the long road to accepting (santosha) and knowing (Svadhyaya)

I have a tattoo on my arm that reads to the translation of "true self" in Sanskrit. I got it when I was around 26, a time when I was beginning to explore the deeper question of who I truly am and how I could uncover that essence.

To me, the "true self" represents a state of complete self-acceptance, where I can be fully present in the moment, simply observing what is without judgment or resistance. It's an idea that's deeply personal because for so long, I struggled with acceptance — both of myself and of my experiences. Now, I consciously seek out opportunities and experiences that help me nurture and strengthen my relationship with self-acceptance.
It's a concept that's inherently elusive, almost intangible, because the journey to the true self is different for each of us. I believe, though, that we all need moments of quiet and introspection to come anywhere close to these realisations. Only by turning inward, listening to our inner voice, can we start to grasp what it means to live in alignment with our true self.

Having a yoga practice has provided me with a structure where, at times, I catch glimpses of what it feels like to fully accept myself. Yet, outside the boundaries of the mat, I still struggle with self-love. I understand the importance of self-acceptance, but I often find myself slipping into doubt and self-criticism, especially when I try to force it. It’s a constant back-and-forth, almost like a yo-yo, between moments of compassion and waves of judgment.

What helps me most is embracing curiosity. By curiosity, I mean giving myself the time and space to truly get to know myself — whether through yoga, books, podcasts, therapy, or other learning resources. The more I approach myself with a curious, open mind, the more awakened I feel to the possibility of truly loving myself.

There is no quick fix when it comes to developing steadiness of mind. It’s a process that requires repetition, consistency, and patience. Abhyasa, the Sanskrit term for practice, reminds us that lasting change comes through persistent effort. As B.K.S. Iyengar beautifully describes, "It is the art of learning that which has to be learned through the cultivation of disciplined action. This involves long, zealous, calm, and persevering effort" (Iyengar, 1993, p. 5).

What started out as a short blog post, has now stretched into a big old writing piece, helping me to organise my thoughts around this subject. I feel compelled to share some extended reflections on how we can learn to love ourselves through acceptance. So if you’re still here, my hope is that as you continue to read, you might find a sense of healing or resonance in your own journey.

Purpose comes with experience

The notion that we can wake up one day with our purpose—our “dharma”—fully realised and perfectly clear is not true. Finding our true purpose is a gradual process that unfolds over time. To live a deeply fulfilling life, we must align our purpose with our authentic self, but this discovery doesn't happen in an instant. It takes days, months, years, and sometimes even decades to sift through our experiences and recognize what truly resonates with our core.

The important message here is to release any pressure if you're unsure of your path right now. Purpose isn’t something you "find" in one moment; it reveals itself through life’s inevitable highs and lows. Each experience—whether it feels nourishing and inspiring or brings discomfort—guides you. The key is to stay close to what feels enriching and aligned with your growth, while gently moving away from what brings unease.

I recently heard Jay Shetty share a powerful reminder on a podcast: "Never change your character to fit in, instead, live life by your heart." I believe this is essential advice in the journey toward discovering your purpose. When you live authentically, your purpose naturally begins to unfold. So trust in your experiences, honour what feels right, and allow your path to emerge in its own time.

Success is different to happy

We often confuse the pursuit of “happiness” with the chase for “success”—usually defined by money, accolades, or status. But in reality, what we’re seeking is happiness itself, and that doesn’t always come from external achievements. True happiness comes from moments that bring us peace, joy, and contentment—usually simple experiences or the company of loved ones. These moments are often free, with no material cost attached.

For me, the most content times have been when life feels simple, and I’ve stripped away the complications to be fully present in the moment. It’s often when I’m in nature or after a physically demanding challenge, like hiking to enjoy a breathtaking view or braving a cold shower after being in the heat of a sauna. Those moments remind me that joy isn’t found in success, but in the simple, genuine experiences that make us feel alive and grounded.

While success can provide a sense of accomplishment and may enhance your life in some ways, it’s crucial to remember that it doesn’t guarantee happiness. Find what truly makes you happy—whether it’s connection, nature, or simple pleasures—and make time for it in your everyday life. This is how you stay connected to your true self.

Failure is a requirement

I recently attended a team off-site day with my current employer, where 60 of us from the marketing team gathered for a day of inspiration. There were guest speakers, team-building exercises, and strategy updates from leadership. On the surface, it all sounded great, but once I was there, something felt off for me. When the wellness expert took the stage to talk about stress management, I had this overwhelming feeling that I was on the wrong side of the experience. I wanted to be the one up there, not sitting in the audience. In that moment, I questioned whether taking on this contract had been a mistake—whether I wasn’t being true to myself.

After some conversations with family and trusted friends, I’ve reflected on that day and have come to see it as a learning experience. It reminded me of an important lesson: resilience in the face of perceived "failure." We’re often taught to chase our dreams as though the journey should be smooth, without setbacks. But in reality, there are always curveballs. This job, while not my forever role, is still part of my path. It doesn’t mean I’ve failed at being the wellness expert I aspire to be—it’s simply a step in my journey.

The key lesson for me is that every experience, even the challenging or uncomfortable ones, contributes to my growth and story. The moments when we feel like we’re failing are often the ones that prepare us for our future successes, making us even more grateful when we do achieve our goals. Society tends to focus on the highlights—on success stories and polished CVs. But the real story, the one that matters, lies in the struggles and failures that shaped those achievements. I urge you to look beyond the surface of seemingly successful people and remember: no one gets there without setbacks.

Healthy competition

Am I competitive? Absolutely I am. As a child, I always wanted to win—whether it was gymnastics, rounders match or a relay race. But as I've grown and become more aware of the conditioned behaviours and habitual thinking patterns I've developed over the years, I’ve started to ask myself a different question: how else can I channel my competitive nature? The answer, I’ve found, is by competing with myself, rather than comparing myself to others.

When I focus on being the truest version of myself, I create a personal challenge to keep growing and improving. I’ve become more conscious in my decision-making, ensuring that my actions align with my goals, values, and energy. If something doesn’t feel right instinctively, I let it go. But if I really want something, I set myself healthy, self-driven challenges to achieve it.

For example, I'm currently training for a marathon—an exciting but daunting challenge. The furthest I’ve ever run is 20K, and now I’m preparing to run more than double that distance. But I’m approaching it with patience and self-acceptance, taking small steps to prove to myself that I’m capable. The outcome? A growing sense of self-belief and confidence that ripples into other areas of my life.

The more we compare ourselves to others, the more inadequate we can feel. But the more we focus on accepting ourselves and embracing our own capabilities, the more we can celebrate our achievements—whether they’re big or small. Competing with ourselves, rather than others, helps us grow, and in the process, we discover our own strength and resilience.

how do you Love

Have you ever experienced heartbreak? Many would say it’s one of the most painful emotions, and studies show that heartbreak can trigger similar chemical reactions in the brain as withdrawal from cocaine addiction—highlighting just how intense those emotions can be. But heartbreak also offers an opportunity to reflect and understand what we truly need from ourselves when it comes to love and self-worth.

Ask yourself: how do you measure love from someone else?

Is your sense of love tied to validation and attention, or is it rooted in unconditional trust, commitment, and support?

Most of us expect the latter from a partner who claims to love us, so why don’t we reflect those same qualities back toward ourselves?

When we learn to love ourselves unconditionally, without barriers, we develop a deeper, more resilient sense of self. We no longer rely on others’ attention or affection to feel whole. Instead, we cultivate an inner peace that makes our relationships more balanced, free from the constant grasping for external validation. In loving ourselves fully, we start to realize that the love we thought we needed from others is something we can give to ourselves, and in turn, we experience more peace, fulfillment, and connection in our relationships.